At the end of my sophomore year, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and lost all motivation for both school and my future. It got so bad that I was admitted to an outpatient program and taken out of school for the last two months of that school year. There were days I couldn’t move and days I couldn’t find the energy to do the things I loved most. I didn’t write, listen to music, or sing. I didn’t complete assignments, email teachers, or try. That year felt like I was drowning, and I had to save myself despite wanting to give in. 

The summer after outpatient treatment was a struggle to regain my sense of personhood, but through branching out and trying new experiences, I found myself again. I made new friends and began to remember who I was and what I valued. In my junior year, I joined the paper as a club member. I loved the idea of writing for others and having my words printed, rather than hidden in journals. When I began interviewing people with vastly different outlooks from my own, my world got bigger. There was one particular interview with an alt-right preacher that warped my view of the world a bit. While he felt very different about particular groups and their choices, he was kind. That 50-minute interview was a moment for me to see the “other side” and realize that I had misconceptions. He wasn’t some little red devil wanting to see my world burn; he was a nice man with some extremely opposite views. To this day, I disagree with this man, but I know he wants what he thinks is best, just as we all do. 

Medicine and treatment don’t make depression go away; it always nags at the back of your mind. The hard work and constant search for meaning keep you above water, but I could still so easily sink. As cheesy as it sounds, working at the paper gave me a sense of purpose. I felt like my words both mattered and were heard. When the previous editor-in-chief told me to apply for an editing position, I was taken by surprise but motivated to work harder once again. This was amplified when I got that position. Working for the Liberator and my movement from club to editing helped me prove to myself my worth. Writing, interviewing, and collaborating on the LASA Liberator is what made my high school experience, and it is what made me feel confident in keeping my head above water.